Feelings

Not wanting to burden anyone with my problems I just need to express my feelings to someone and I feel that this forum is a gathering of friends and confidents and if anyone on the forum has gone through the same experience perhaps they would like to PM me for support. Please note I am not looking for sympathy more for support. To be honest I don't know what I am looking for. Perhaps I just need a shoulder to cry on.
My problem is I can't show any emotion at home because Dot would pick up on it straight away but I feel like just going somewhere quiet and having a bloody good cry.
Back in April my wife of 51 years was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She has been having chemo therapy but I feel this has not been to successful and she is now on a course of tablets.
My biggest problem is I have no one to talk to as I have to put on a brave face to her and the family whilst at the same time I have had to watch her health deteriorate on a daily basis.
I would add that this is the worst time of my life and I am sorry to say that whisky and cigs are my only support at the moment.
Sorry to burden the forum members with my problem but it seems I have no where else to turn
Please I do not want sympathy sometimes life can be an absolute s**t
I hope you all can see where I am coming from
best regards Ian (Dotslad)

Ian, please stay strong for Dot, you will be in our thoughts and prayers through this difficult time my friend ... If i can help in any way please don't hesitate to drop me a message ...

Jim

Ian, I can't even begin to imagine what you are living through (not to mention what Dot is going through) and I think it is perfectly natural to want sit down and cry. I remember when our first daughter arrived and after about four days I realised that we were very under-equipped for the task of raising a child I used to find a quiet corner of the house and sob my heart out.

The only advice I can offer is that Dot most likely wouldn't want to be left out of your emotions. Yes she is carrying her own load, but you are her husband of 51 years and she knows you are living through the worst time of your life - it's okay not to be Superman all the time around her.

If you want to meet me for a coffee or a workshop session just give me a shout - we are less than an hour from one another and it could be easily arranged.

Jim said:

Ian, please stay strong for Dot, you will be in our thoughts and prayers through this difficult time my friend ... If i can help in any way please don't hesitate to drop me a message ...

Jim

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Thanks Jim

Thanks David but I don't feel I can leave her for any period of time as I know she must feel lonely and isolated

Ian it is difficult to put anything into words but stay strong for Dot. Anytime you want or need to speak about your feelings please go ahead either on the open forum or by PM and the lads on the forum will give you 100% backing that I am sure of !!!.

Sincerest Regards.

Ian,
I'm not particularly religious but the wife is a devout catholic. There will be a mass and prayers said for her this week at St Francis of Assisi, Llay, North Wales.
On a seperate note mate I stopped drinking over 12 years ago after not going to bed sober for over 30 years and I'm not joking. Drink isn't the answer my friend unfortunately I don't know what is but hiding behind a bottle is only temporary and not what you need right now. Anything I can do just give us a shout, your mates are with you.

keuth

Ian

We have never met and really don't know each other that well. I have no real conception of what you or your good lady are going through . All that I can offer you is my prayers and an understanding of both your needs at this present time. Although we are almost at opposite ends of the country if you feel that there is something I can do for you please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.

Ed.

Hi Ian I know 100% were you are mate I had to watch my first wife get weaker and weaker over about 10 years not easy mate I know and no matter what I say it wont help that much I do feel for you mate and am at this moment crying with you as well mate just ask yourself dose your Dot deserve the best and yes will be your answer I know so continue to give her your best mate and ask God to give you the strength to carry on that's how I managed it mate ask and you shall receive sorry if I sound like a preacher Ian I can only tell you how I managed your task is the hardest one ever and at times you will feel you just cant cope but you will mate why because you love your Dot and it is for her that you will be strong we are all your friends and I'm sure you can call on any of us at any time you will both be in my prayers my friend please give Dot our love

Thanks Terry that is the only reason I posted because I feel I am amongst friends and because Dot and the family don't use the forum

I feel for the both of you. It must be such a bad time, I can only imagine how I would feel and I would think it would be a lot worse. You have both obviously gone through a lot together and now must stay strong for each other but that doesn't mean that you can't show your feelings or emotions. As men we always hide what we feel as its macho to do so, but to what end. Ian, let it out and then support her with all your heart and we'll all be here for you I'm sure.

Ian I have just read your message out loud to my Drain and we have both had a good blubber.
David is 100% correct when he says:

you are her husband of 51 years and she knows you are living through the worst time of your life - it's okay not to be Superman all the time around her.

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Be careful my friend, we all perceive things differently don't let being strong be seen as not caring.
If you don't show your true feelings to Dot then who do you show them to?
Don't hold back mate you are both living through this together give her a hug from us too.
Shout if you need me mate I am only up the road from you init?

We, too, have been married 51 years. I am watching my husband slowly become an invalid. He has severe spinal stenosis and now uses a walker, and will soon need a wheelchair. I know how difficult is is to watch your life companion deteriorate. Best advice I can give, is let her know you love her, no matter what. Don't be afraid to let her know you are afraid. She is terrified! Sometimes all you can do is hold on to one another. By hiding your emotions from her, you cannot give her the support she needs. Be strong, both for her and for yourself, but share your feelings with her. She knows. You can't live with someone half a century and hide your feelings. She reads you like a book, so don't try to keep your feelings from her. She may pretend she is unaware of your feelings, but she knows.

Thanks for all your replies but I am afraid it is not that easy Dot believes she will get better and I cannot and will not take this away from her I think perhaps this is my problem and all this leads to is both of us feeling alone and isolated

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going though my friend so I won't pretend to.

I don't do religion, but my thoughts are with you and if you are a religious man then I hope you draw strength from your faith. If not, then be assured there are people out there who care.

Morning Ian,

We Wilma and me are just coming through a two yr long period following Wilma found herself with the two worst blood borne Cancers resulting in a massive operation by a Professor from 200 miles away. Following surgery she had massive doses of Chemo, I used to sit with her for the eight hour sessions then after chemo came radio therapy. For at least a year if I left the room even she would ask where have you been, this from a lovely well adjusted beautiful lady, yes I cried a lot in private trying to man up best I could now at 79 it does not get any easier had 5 certain pronouncements of impending death for myself over the years so yes I have an inkling of your situation both with Wilma and me.

Be assured we are with you in spirit being so far away thank you for your advising us and prayers are on the way also.

Kind regards Peter.

Ian after reading your message it took me back to a similar situation I had not with a partner but with my Mum. She was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour she believed she had had a slight stroke and would get better, the most difficult thing to deal with was when she talked about things she was going to do in the future knowing there was no future but I had to agree with her even if all I wanted to do was cry. The best way I found of coping was to be there when she needed me and to show and tell her I loved her. My thoughts are with you both.
Robin

I have thought long and hard about this reply and have pondered over it, I won't even say I understand what you are going through, I can't, but as a son I know what I experienced..

dotslad said:

but I am afraid it is not that easy

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No one ever said life was going to be easy, it was always going to be difficult when you have shared such good times together, but you should enjoy those times, smile on them and Dot will smile with you..

dotslad said:

Dot believes she will get better and I cannot and will not take this away from her

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After the time you have been together, don't you think she is making you believe that she will get better, in truth Dot is probably trying to hide her feelings from you and really does know what will eventually happen. Dot is doing what she has always done, kept her feelings to herself so as to not worry the caring husband that she has.

dotslad said:

I think perhaps this is my problem and all this leads to is both of us feeling alone and isolated

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Remember it is never your own problem, Dot will know what is happening and I'm Sure that your loving caring side will show through to her, just the same as it always has done for the last 51 years..

Also, remember, you are Dots rock, always have been always will be.. That is the way she will see you, that's why Dot will put up a mighty big front.. She doesn't want to hurt you, she cares for you too much..

Dot knows you are hurting.. But talk.. I know we are big soft men that have to put this big front up to show our manly side, let it drop, you will be supprised.. After all, its LOVE, that's got you through the thick and thin of the last 51 years..

Take care, and give Dot a big hug, she deserves it......

Ian, as has been said before the one thing for sure is you won't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. I am a Christian and as such feel the best thing I can do for you is pray my boots off for you and your wife. I watched my mum go through the same thing so can understand a little of where you are.

What she needs most is to see that you are strong for her and after 51 years I think she'll know anyway. I wont say anything as trite as chin up but I will say focus on your wife and be there for when she needs you. as the others have said I am always here for a chat so PM me if I can help in any way.

God bless

Mark

Hi, Ian,

I can't add anything useful to what has already been expressed, mate, except to wish you and Dot our deepest sympathies. AND FOR HER SAKE LEAVE THE BOOZE ALONE!

Bob.