Employment

Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's Jake my finisher who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.

The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday," replied the owner.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

The owner says, "That would be me."

A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!

Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.

"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!

" The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"

Jack, an older gentleman woodworker, feared his wife, Becky, was getting hard of hearing.

So one day Jack called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and said that meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

Here's what you do, said the Doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He thinks to himself that he is about 40 feet away. "Let's see what happens," he mutters.

Then in a normal tone he asks, ''Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So Jack moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from Becky and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Becky and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"


Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.


"Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For God's sake, Jack! For the FIFTH TIME. CHICKEN!"

Due to inherit a furniture factory when his sickly, widower father died, Clyde decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm only an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit a 20 million dollar business."

The woman went home with Clyde, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Well it is Christmas .... Last one I promise.

Bob goes to see his supervisor at the millwork shop.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Bob," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss," says Bob, "I knew I could count on you!"

Love them :thumbup:

You and Ed are absolutely bloody mad !!!!! Love them !!!!!!

Love em!!!

LOL!

Bob.

Stunners.. Like it..

The old ones are definitely the best ask woody