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One liners

paulm

grave manibus faciendum
Registered
Joined
Oct 7, 2013
Posts
12,046
Location
Sandford
First Name
Paul
1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 

Les ELm

Executive Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2014
Posts
5,493
Location
Red Deer, Alberta, Canada
First Name
Les
HaHaHa-1.gif
 

Jimjam66

Chief Battonager
Registered
Joined
Jan 27, 2013
Posts
3,775
Location
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Tim Vine and Jimmy Carr - at least those are the two I recognised! You may want to add Jimmy's latest to the list:

21. Personally I blame Reeva - she shouldn't have been using the disabled toilet.

Hmmm - then again, maybe not ... :goesred: ... Not the best example of comic timing.
 
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