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Tools and their explanations

Pierre

Graduate Member
Joined
Sep 2, 2015
Posts
993
Location
Southern Central France
First Name
Pierre
Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a ball race.

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

CROWBAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

B&STARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'B&stard' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 

JTWC

Apprentice Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Posts
14
Location
Cambridge
First Name
Johannes
a very good list The other name for adjustable spanner is Egyptian micrometer.
 

Geoff Kent

Graduate Member
Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Posts
496
Location
Westcliff on Sea,Essex.
First Name
GEOFF
Late reply I know but the best bit of kit needs a mention:CHAINSAW: Portable tool designed to cut wood.Commonly used to inflict serious damage to most parts of the human anatomy.Thats why I type with two fingers!!
 

howsitwork?

Graduate Member
Joined
Sep 18, 2019
Posts
504
Location
north york (gods own county)
First Name
Ian
Micrometer - high precision miniature G cramp made in very accurate sizes to allow you to measure and squash items with great accuracy. Also often has a rachet for that added sound effect…

Pry bar - sharpened large version of screw driver excellent fit folding paint can lid edges and inflicting serious dents into items you didn’t realize were that soft… Hence is derived the common saying “ mustn’t pry “ .

Pillock drill - similar to piller drill but only applied at too high a speed setting so the drill first warms then melts it’s way into the material initially before fusing leaving an embedded drill in EXACTLY. the position you wanted a hole.:sob:

Router - high speed method of producing a trench of variable width and roughness across a smooth work surface. Has an amazing ability to find embedded nails or metal which it offers to the god of fire and smoke.

Torque wrench - method of applying exactly enough force to strip either threaded bolts or nuts.
 
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